Nearly six years ago, my heart was ripped from my chest and run over by a semi-truck. My entire world fell through as I embraced the news that my daddy died from an unexpected heart-attack.
It truly is impossible to prepare for life after loss.
I used to open up to everyone about everything. I gripped tightly to the love of my friends and family members and often invited many into the vulnerable parts of my life.
Not anymore... not after life ripped away my safe-haven and suffocated me.
After my dad died, I found myself shutting everyone out. I came to the realization that it was easier to isolate myself from the world, so if I did lose someone else, it would not be as difficult as losing my dad. I could not bear the thought of letting someone in and losing them too.
I didn't even realize I was doing this until my mama shared with me her concerns. For years, I was shutting people out unintentionally and building up walls I believed would protect me from future pain.
I had trust issues... and I didn't even realize it.
This morning, God placed on my heart a well-known proverb from Proverbs 3:5:
"Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."
I am daily working on letting go of my fear of loss, and embracing the hope of Christ. I am daily working on letting go of control, and trusting God with all my heart.
While I rarely do these things well, I am taking baby-steps towards a more authentic relationship with God. I am holding on to the the truth that God is the King of Kings, and my doubts do not contain His ability to lead.
Every day is a new opportunity to trust the process and embrace His grace... one step at a time.