"Jordan, I think I am pregnant."
Sitting up, I mustered all of the energy I could and responded with: "Why do you think that, Marissa?"
I'm not proud of this reaction. Granted, it was 5:30 AM on a Monday morning. Marissa ended up taking three tests that day—all of which were positive. But, just to confirm, I took a test as well (something I am proud of).
Countless thoughts rushed through my head in the midst of all of the emotions. But one has stayed present since we found out Marissa was pregnant: I'm going to be a dad... without a dad.
When my dad died seven years ago, I began preparing for this moment. I knew I could make it through graduations, cars breaking down, and even my wedding. But the idea of having a little chit who would never know his Grandpa Chitwood has been a difficult concept for me to wrap my head around.
My dad was my biggest supporter, and I know he would've loved Uriah to the moon and back.
He would've been at all of Uriah's sporting events or musicals.
He would've given him the biggest hugs known to humanity.
He would've spoiled him rotten.
He would've had dance parties with him in the living room.
He would've prayed for him every single day.
He would've posted more than enough pictures of him on social media.
He would've loved him like Jesus does.
I'm not sure I will know the weight of this pain until the moment hits when I need to call my dad for something regarding parenting. Or when I let my temper get the best of me and I need my dad to help calm me down. Or when Uriah is old enough to go on ice cream runs with me and we can't invite Grandpa Chitwood to tag along.
I'm not sure I will ever be okay with this... and that sucks. It sucks because I'm going to be a dad without my dad.
In the presence of this grief, I hold on tightly to this comforting verse from Revelations:
‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. - Revelation 21:4, NIV
I can't wait to be a dad... I just wish I had my dad here cheering me on, in person.