I realized recently that my brain is messed up. One moment, I could be completely fine--enjoying life and soaking in the fresh air--while the next moment, I find myself swallowed by insecurities with every breath that I take.
Six months ago, I was in a very dark place. Every day felt as though a breastplate of anxiety was covering me, making it harder to breathe. The fear of loss and fear of not being accepted attacked me each morning like a tidal wave. Gratefully, I found a medication a counselor, and hope from God that helped me walk through my fear and into love.
And yet, the battle was not over.
This past month, my insecurities seemed to grow in strength and number, like the Roman army in its prime. I found myself contemplating the point of life and asking the question, "why am I even here?" I have never struggled with thoughts of suicide, but I told my wife last week that this was the closest I had ever been to contemplating taking my life.
I place so much value on whether or not others like me, that I lost focus on why I do the things I do in the first place.
So, I did something about it.
With one more week of vacation left, I took off a week from life last week as a "mental-health week". I deleted social media, didn't go to work, and spent time doing things that recharge my battery. I spent time landscaping, reading, writing, playing video games, relaxing, and restoring my relationship with God and my confidence in who He made me to be.
It was a breath of fresh air to wake up Thursday morning and feel loved--not only by my peers, or my wife, but by my Creator. I looked up at the sky and soaked in every single moment that God had blessed me with.
My battery is recharged, my confidence is restored, and I am ready to keep moving.
God is on the move.